Five Cantonas

The summer is boring and, even with the Euros, there hasn’t been enough football. With the kids off school all sorts of stupid transfer rumours have been flying around, some mildly interesting, some so unbelievably dull that you’d cut off your right arm with your severed testicles to secure the sweet release of another Nasri saga.

With Wesley Sneijder not being talked about for the first time in a long time, it’s inevitable that some other dull stories would come to the fore. Here they are.

Luka Modric

Yes, we get it. United need a complete midfielder. Modric is a better player than Spurs deserve and, naturally, wants to leave to further his career. Only a handful of clubs could offer him that step up and lo, we are one of them! This therefore means that we’re OBVIOUSLY interested in paying stupid money for a souped-up Michael Carrick who still doesn’t score enough goals to be a box-to-box answer, even though moneybags Madrid are interested too.

Jose always gets his man, but there is not much to suggest that he wants his particular one. Nor is there much to suggest Fergie is genuinely interested. This is a story that has rumbled on and on with no progress being made whatsoever, partially because it’s completely fictitious. Any website that suggests we’re on the cusp of signing him at this point should be removed from the internet, and their webmasters taken out back and shot.

Nani

If I two bob for every time I heard someone write off Nani’s career then I’d be able to pay for his transfer to Juventus myself. Yes, he’s frustrating as fuck and yes, everyone else thinks he’s our best player because he can dribble a bit and has the occasional afternoon where he is genuinely completely unplayable. He’s lost his place down the right to the less spectacular Tony Valencia and has always struggled on the left.

The hive mind has therefore dictated that he must be on his way to Italy, that most winger-loving of nations, in a multi-million pound move. Now that Sneijder is off the radar a swap move to Inter isn’t the favourite fantasy any more. Juventus are often whispered, with the wrist-cutters amongst us claiming that we’re going to part-ex him for Eljero Elia and / or Milos Krasic and then lamenting our lack of ambition. Nani will sign a new contract and stay at the club.

Leighton Baines

Fuck me sideways with an averagely solid left-back, this one is DULL. Baines is a decent understudy for Ashley Cole at international level and has a mean dead ball on him, but signing him is hardly the statement of intent that will send City and Chelsea running for their chequebooks (not that they need much encouragement to do that).

Stands a chance that Baines will end up at United, but if we pay £16m for him we will have been robbed blind. Expect a bid of around £10m to be lodged, rejected, and for Fergie to move on.

Lucas Moura

This teenage Brazilian international has become the number one internet darling of all Manchester United fans. From the hysteria online you’d think that at the age of 19 he was already better than a combination of Leo Messi, Robocop and God. £30m is stupid money to be offering for the lad, as shown by the general bemusement amongst Brazilians whenever his transfer is discussed.

He’s also another player that is interesting Real Madrid and Inter, amongst others. When did we last win a transfer battle against Real Madrid? They sign who they want from us and who they want from under our nose. This one is going to be exactly the same.

Robin van Persie

Hahahhahaahaha. Yeah right. If we sign Robin van Persie then I will personally scatter my freeze-dried, powdered penis across the pitch at the Etihad.